Loving you…

Unconditionally, that’s how much I love you little boy. Even before you came I knew for sure I wanted to be a mom once more. Dad thought I should be a mom again and so we decided to go for it,why not? What could possibly go wrong? With the decision of having a baby most of the time the journey will be full of surprises but not all surprises are good. You came with a severe condition that no pregnancy test could predict: autism. So much questions I had had through your birth and all those sleepless days and nights you had. Also I was wondering why you couldn’t be around people, you didn’t feel good in a crowd at all. You cried more and louder than other babies. You wouldn’t drink milk formula unless I thickened it and you were always so sick. The hypothesis of autism kind of answered all my questions but it changed a lot of things for us.

I had to talk it over with your dad, he too got answers to why you were slower and behind on a lot of the normal kid steps. He asked me if I thought the doctor I saw was right and I said I thought she was…sadly.

Then, there were all the people we had to give the news to. Some of them were not ready for such sad news, some of them just couldn’t and still can’t understand your condition today. We often have to repeat, reinstate and explain…Sometimes it’s exhausting. And even though we love you and care for your well-being, there’s still fake empathy around us. Yes, there are people who don’t actually care although they try to act otherwise, they think we don’t see it that’s the worst part.

But loving you is stronger than I thought and somehow, dad and I radiate because of you and your sisters’ existence. Having a kid with severe autism has not destroyed us, it has brought us all together. Loving you is not a sin, loving you means you’re part of the family.

To the little guy who rocks my world, mom loves you from head to toe xxx

Family tattoo on my left ankle

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